Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Baudelaires
by Thomas Holmes II
Summary: This is a rewrite of certain parts of all 13 books in the series with Sherlock Holmes and John Watson assisting Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaires orphans, with some new scenes as well. On hiatus at the moment.
1. The Bad Beginning

Disclaimer: Sherlock Holmes and A Series of Unfortunate Events belong to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Lemony Snicket respectively. _Scream and Run Away_ and the other songs belong to the Gothic Archives

* * *

The Bad Beginning

Chapter Four (while Violet is shopping):

While at the supermarket, Violet was walking down an alleyway looking for a good dessert. She was so busy looking at the aisle that she wasn't watching where she was going. The result was that she walked into someone, causing her to stumble and drop the basket of food she was carrying.

"Oh, excuse me, sir!" Violet said, as she straightened up, "I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there!"

"It's okay," the man said "Just watch where you're going in future. Here, let me get for you."

He bent down to pick the dropped food. As he did so, Violet registered the man; a phrase which here means 'looked him up and down'. She noticed the man before her had some similarities to Count Olaf. He was a rather tall man, like Olaf. He had a prominent nose, shiny eyes and one eyebrow. However, he was clean and smart; he had a full head of hair which was black and smooth; he was clean-shaven – a word which here means 'had no beard or moustache'– and the shine in his bluish-grey eyes was a cool and calm shine, rather than greedy and angry. His one eyebrow looked as though it was constantly cut in the middle. He was also more physically built than Olaf; a phrase which here means 'he had more muscle and wasn't skinny, like Olaf was.' A black pipe protruded from his mouth and he wore a deerstalker cap on his head, with a coat of matching texture. A deerstalker is the sort of hat detectives might wear. He also wore an Inverness cape, which is a sort of Scottish raincoat. There was something mysterious about this man, but Violet just didn't know what it was. His face was a cold mask, rather untouched by emotion. This troubled Violet. Nevertheless, the man smiled as he gathered up the dropped food. Little did Violet know that this man would change the lives of her and her siblings even more, though I'm glad to say it would be in a much better way than Olaf would.

"There you go," the man said, handing Violet the basket of food, "Try to and be careful in future. Don't want to hurt yourself now, do you, Violet?"

"No, of course not, than-", Violet stopped, "How did you know my name, sir?" she asked.

The man smiled down at her.

"I know everything about you, Violet Beatrice Baudelaire" He said, "14 years and 6 months old; eldest of the three Baudelaire children; amateur, but skilled inventor; you tie your hair up in a ribbon when you're thinking. Your parents were killed in a terrible fire. You, your brother Klaus and your baby sister Sunny are now living with Count Olaf. You are shopping for ingredients of pasta puttanesca and a dessert for afters, with Justice Justine Strauss, of the City High Court."

Violet was amazed.

"How… how…?" she asked weakly.

"Elementary, my dear Violet." The man said.

Just then, Klaus and Sunny arrived.

"There you are, Violet," Klaus said, "Why are you talking to this stranger? Strangers can be very dangerous. A boy once disappeared in 1894, because he spoke with a stranger. The stranger kidnapped him, took him far away and killed him!"

The man chuckled. "You know a lot about a lot, Klaus. Not surprising, seeing the many books you read."

Klaus gaped, a word which here means 'looked shocked'.

"How do you know?" he asked.

"Klaus Julius Baudelaire, I know that you can barely see your glasses, which you've worn since the age of two. You have a photographic memory; everything you read, you remember."

"Ganks!" Sunny cried, which meant something like "Have you been spying on us?". Before her siblings could translate, the man said "No, I haven't been spying on you. I just happen to know a lot about you kids. I know for instance, Sunny Katherine Baudelaire that you like to bite things with your four sharp front teeth. You speak in a series of usually unintelligible shrieks, though your siblings can understand you, where others can't."

Now, all three Baudelaires were dumbfounded, a word which here means 'shocked and stunned'. How did this man know?

"Do you remember that Olaf was interested in your fortune?" said the man, suddenly serious.

"Err… yes" Violet replied.

"Well, he obviously has his eye on it" the man said "So keep an eye for anything suspicious, children."

"Okay" Klaus replied.

"Good! Well, good day to you, Baudelaires," the man said, starting to walk off.

"Name?" Sunny asked. The man hadn't said who he was. The man just smiled and then disappeared around the aisle corner. Then, he poked his head back round.

"The name's Sherlock Holmes," he said. He winked and then disappeared.

"Sherlock Holmes?" Klaus said thoughtfully, a word which here means 'thinking and speaking at the time' "I've read about him! His adventures are told to the public by his friend and associate Doctor John Watson. He's a famous detective who has powers of observation and deduction. I guess that's why he could tell so much about us."

"He's very mysterious," Violet said, "he seems to know Olaf."

"Speaking of Olaf, we should get the dessert for him," said Klaus.

* * *

Chapter Five:

When the Baudelaires returned home, they found the man they'd met yesterday, Mr Sherlock Holmes sitting on an armchair in the living room, smoking a pipe.

"Ah, good afternoon, my dear children," he said, standing up and holding out his hand.

"Mr Holmes," Violet said, shaking his hand, "Nice to see you again."

"Pleasure to see you too, Violet," said Sherlock Holmes, "And none of that 'Mr Holmes' thing, please. Just call me Sherlock."

"Okay, Sherlock," Violet said, "Why are you here? What if Count Olaf comes back and sees you?"

"Don't worry about it?" said Sherlock, "He won't be back for a few more hours. I thought I'd drop round to properly introduce myself."

"You're a detective, aren't you?" said Klaus, "So you're, like, some kind of private detective?"

"Close but not quite," said Sherlock, "I'm a _consulting_ detective."

"Hackney!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "Consulting detective? I've never heard of that!"

"Well, of course you haven't," Sherlock said, before her siblings could translate, "I invented the job. I'm the only one in the world."

"So, what does a consulting detective do?" Violet asked.

"Well, when the police are completely baffled, as they nearly always are, they consult me for help," Sherlock said, "people also come to me with their problems to ask me for help."

"I've read that you have amazing powers of observation and deduction," said Klaus "Is that how you knew about us?"

"Well, actually I knew your parents," said Sherlock, "They were good friends of mine. I'm sure you were shocked and devastated to hear of their deaths. Very." He said this rather dispassionately, however, a word which here means 'without sympathy or sadness or sorrow or any kind of emotion whatsoever.'

"Yes, we were," said Klaus.

"Here's an explanation of how I knew about you and your unique skills. All three of you have smart clothing and well-brought-up, suggesting you three come from a rich family.

'Violet, your hands are rather rough, which suggests you use them a lot for building and inventing. Some of your hair looks slightly messed, where you've been tying it up. That purple dress you're wearing looks as though it's been worn a lot; suggesting purple is your favourite colour. As for your name, well, the label of your skirt is sticking out and it says V. Baudelaire. I can tell you're 14 because of your height.

"Klaus, I could tell you're Violet's brother with whom you share the shape of nose and eyes and hair colour. Your glasses have left markings on your nose, showing you wear them all the time. These would, of course, suggest intelligence and a good reader. Your hands have presses on them where you hold the books.. You also have dust on your clothes from several old books. When you told of that time a child disappeared because he talked to a stranger, it showed you have a photographic memory by the way you described it quite accurately.

"Sunny, your gums have irregular bumps and scratches where you've been biting things. I can understand your speech by the look on the face; my knowledge would obviously make you think I've been spying on you. You're unable to walk, suggesting you're a year old.

"All three of you have tiny amounts of ashes on your clothes and in your hair, suggesting you've been at a burnt-down house. Seeing as you weren't with your parents and looked unhappy, it suggested they were dead. I read in the city hall that the Baudelaire mansion had been burnt down and that two people had died; your parents. It also said your full names."

"Yes, our parents are dead," said Violet sadly.

"Indeed," Sherlock said still speaking in that rather dispassionate and indifferent tone, though the corners of his mouth twitched slightly, "Your parents were such nice people. Anyway, I read at the bank that you'd been adopted by Count Olaf. But it was obvious he was mistreating you by the fact you are still unhappy. The ingredients you had at the store were for pasta puttanesca, which is actually quite delicious. Sunny, you've been handled toughly; you look shaken. Klaus, your cheek is bright red. I take it Olaf wasn't impressed."

"Well, Olaf wasn't impressed," said Violet, "He wanted roast beef, but he hadn't told us he wanted roast beef. He struck Klaus across the face and picked up Sunny harshly."

"Really?" said Sherlock, surprisingly calmly, "The blooming nerve of him."

"We've tried talking to Mr Poe," said Violet, "but he didn't believe us."

"I'm not surprised really," said Sherlock, "Arthur's never been a very bright person. By the way, I think he should have that cough looked down, but apparently he's always too busy at the bank. Why your parents chose a guy like him to be your executor, I'll never know."

"He does his best," said Violet, though secretly, she felt Sherlock had a point.

"Anyways, let's get to the subject of Count Olaf," said Sherlock. There was a note of dignity and impatience in his voice. "There's more to him than meets the eye, my dear children."

"Zani?" Sunny asked, which meant along the lines of 'What do you mean?"

"I mean," Sherlock said, again before her siblings could translate, "that Olaf is a sinister and devious criminal mastermind, with a great liking for money. He's very interested in getting his hands on your fortune."

"He's a criminal?" Klaus asked.

"Oh, yes!" said Sherlock, "but Arthur obviously knows not."

"But then, have him arrested!" cried Violet.

"No," said Sherlock, "That wouldn't work; they're too easily fooled. I want to do it myself, to catch him in the act of doing anything devious. So keep an eye for anything suspicious from Olaf. And, remember, Olaf will do anything to get what he wants; anything!"

"Okay," said Violet uneasily.

"Good! And one last thing; don't say anything I've told you to Olaf. If he learns I'm found again, he'll blow it! I assure you! If you find anything suspicious, telephone me at all on this number" He produced a card.

"Okay, Sherlock," Klaus said, taking it.

"Well then, good afternoon to you all," said Sherlock, touching his hat to the children. And he left the house, leaving a trail of pip smoke behind him.

"Can we trust him?" Klaus said, "He didn't really sound sympathetic or kind."

"But he's a famous detective," Violet said, "I'm sure he's trustworthy."

"If you say so," said Klaus, though Sherlock's dispassionate and frosty behaviour rather troubled him.

* * *

Chapter Six:

(A/N: when the children are concerned about _The Marvellous Marriage_)

Klaus took out the card Sherlock had given them yesterday.

"I guess we should call Sherlock Holmes," he said.

"I suppose," Violet agreed and the three children walked into the living room and found the telephone. Klaus picked up the receiver and dialled the number on the card.

The phone was answered on the third ring. "Hello?" said an unfamiliar voice, "Who's there?"

"Sherlock Holmes?" Klaus asked.

"I'm afraid not," said the voice, "This is Doctor John Watson, Sherlock's associate and best friend. Who's this?"

"Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire," said Klaus.

"Ah, yes, Sherlock said you might call," said John Watson, "If you want to talk to him, I'll go get him. Hang on!"

A moment later, Klaus heard the familiar emotionless voice of Sherlock Holmes. "Hello, Klaus. Has Olaf given anything suspicious?"

Klaus told him quickly about _The Marvellous Marriage_ and that Violet was going to be the bride.

There was a moment's silence as Sherlock was obviously thinking. Then he said, "I think you should read up about inheritance law, Klaus."

"You think he's probably cooked up some plan to get our money?" Klaus asked.

"I'm sure of it, my dear Klaus," replied the detective with a chuckle, "I suggest you should try to talk to Justine Strauss. She's a judge; she knows all about the law."

"But she's Count Olaf's neighbour," Violet replied.

"Don't worry, Violet," said Sherlock, "You don't have to tell her why you're reading up on law. Just tell Justine you're interested or something." And before any of the children could ask anyone, the line went dead - a phrase which here means 'Sherlock put down the phone.'

"That was weird," Klaus said, "But I suppose we should go to Justine's house and read on law."

* * *

Chapter Ten:

(A/N: while Violet was making her grappling hook)

The Baudelaires could have called Sherlock Holmes for help, but the shock for Sunny hanging in a cage from the top of the tower had made them forget all about Sherlock.

* * *

Chapter Eleven:

(A/N: while Violet and Klaus are contemplating their problem in the tower)

Klaus then realised he still had the card Sherlock had given him a couple of days ago.

"If only we had a telephone up here," said Klaus, "we could call Sherlock Holmes and ask him for help."

"But what can he do?" Violet said miserably, "How can he prove Olaf is threatening to Sunny unless I marry him?"

"You're right," said Klaus. They were wrong, of course. They did not know just how great a detective Sherlock Holmes, but they soon would.  
Just then, they heard a cry through the window. Violet and Klaus looked down and saw Sherlock Holmes standing in the garden, looking up at them.  
"Sherlock!" said Klaus, "What are you doing here? If Olaf sees you here..."  
"He's too busy preparing the play," said Sherlock calmly.  
"Get us down, please," pleaded Violet.  
"I'm afraid I can't," Sherlock replied, once again in a dispassionate tone, "Olaf took away and destroyed your grappling hook."  
"If we don't get down, Olaf will steal our fortune through our marriage," said Violet.  
"Think!" Sherlock said, tapping his head, "Read about marriage and you'll think of something, my dear Violet."  
"But, Sherlock, what do you mean?" Violet said, but the man had turned and begun to walk away without looking back.  
"How could he leave us?" said Violet miserably.  
"He said to read up about marriage," Klaus said, "Maybe I should. He could be on to something."  
"Why should we trust him?" Violet said, "He doesn't seem to care about us."  
"Don't judge a book by its cover," said Klaus, sitting down with _Nuptial Law_ in his hands. 'Don't judge a book by its cover' is an expression meaning 'don't judge a person by their appearance'. Sometimes, just because a person may look bad, it doesn't mean they really are bad. Sherlock Holmes may have seemed cold and calculated, but was he really indifferent to the Baudelaires' misery? I am glad to say they will sometime in the future. When exactly they found this out, I can't say at the moment, but they will know, I promise.

* * *

Chapter Thirteen:

"Actually, Olaf," said a voice from the audience, "What you tried to do _was_ illegal. That was forced marriage. Both the bride and groom must have be allowed to make the choice whether they want to be married or not."

An old man had walked into the stage. At least, he looked like an old man; until he threw off his disguise.

"Well, well, well," said Sherlock Holmes, brandishing a gun "Count Olaf, we meet again."

Olaf blanched – a word which here means 'he went very pale'. His face wore an expression of mingled fury and alarm.

"YOU!" he shouted "You! Sherlock Holmes! I thought I got you off my tail months ago."

"You can never hide from Sherlock Holmes forever, Olaf" the detective said "By the way, dangling an infant from a 30ft tower in a cage and threatening to drop her is illegal also."

"That's right, Sherlock" Justine Strauss said, "That's child endangerment. You, Count Olaf, will go to jail and the three children will live with me."

"Arrest him!" a voice said from the audience and other people took up the cry.

"Send him to jail!"

"He's an evil man!"

"And give us our money back! It was a lousy play!"

"Hurrah for Sherlock Holmes!"

Sherlock Holmes grabbed Olaf's arm, pointing his gun into his face. "Now, just come quietly and no one need get hurt!"

Mr. Poe took Olaf's other arm and, after a brief eruption of coughs, announced in a harsh voice, "I hereby arrest you in the name of the law."

(A/N: Skip ahead to the part where the lights go out, Violet finds the switch and Olaf vows vengeance and victory)

"There you are, Olaf!" Sherlock Holmes' voice spoke from the darkness. There was the sound of a gun being cocked. Violet gave a cry of terror, but flicked the switch on. The entire theatre was flooded with light. Everyone blinked and looked around. Mr. Poe let go of his wife. Klaus put Sunny down. But nobody was touching Violet's shoulder. Count Olaf was gone. And Sherlock Holmes was pointing his gun at thin air.

"Where did he go?" Mr. Poe shouted.

"They're all gone!" Sherlock cried.

Not only had Count Olaf vanished, but all his associates had vanished as well.

"They must have run outside while it was still dark" Sherlock Holmes cried "Come on!"

He led the way outside, Mr. Poe, Justine Strauss and children right behind him. A long black car could be seen driving away around the corner. Maybe, it contained Count Olaf and his associates. Perhaps, it didn't. All the same, in the blink of an eye, it was gone.

"Oh, drat!" Sherlock cried "He's escaped me again!"

"Don't worry, sir. We'll catch them," said Mr Poe, "I'm going to phone the police immediately."

Violet, Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and knew that it wasn't as simple as Mr. Poe said. Count Olaf would take care to stay out of sight as he planned his next move. He was far too clever to be captured by the likes of Mr. Poe.

"Well, I'd better go" Sherlock said wearily – a word which here means 'depressed from Olaf's escape' – "Watch out from Olaf and remember, no matter Olaf goes, I'll be there!"

"Thank you for your help, Sherlock," Violet said.

"Thank you for warning us about Olaf," said Klaus

"No problem! See you!" Sherlock said, bowing deeply "And take care too, Justine!"

"Thank you, Sherlock!" Justine said.

Sherlock Holmes touched his deerstalker to the children, shook hands with Justice Strauss and walked off, disappearing around the corner. The Baudelaires watched him go. What they didn't know was that they would have many adventures with Sherlock Holmes. And he would indeed change their lives in a much better way than Count Olaf ever would.

The story continues as normal from this point onwards.

_The Count has an eye on his ankle_

_And lives in a horrible place_

_He wants all your money_

_He's never at all funny_

_He wants to remove your face_

_And you might be thinking, "What a romp this is!"_

_But wait till you meet his accomplices._

_When you see Count Olaf,_

_You're suddenly full of_

_Disgust and despair and dismay_

_In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf, there's no love_

_When you see Count Olaf count to zero_

_Then scream and run away_

_Scream, scream, scream and run away_

_Run, run, run, run, run, run, run_

_Or die, die, die, die, die, die, die_

_Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run_

_Or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die_


	2. The Reptile Room part 1

The Reptile Room

Chapter One:

(A/N: After the explanation of Count Olaf)

Count Olaf had not been the only man who had changed the lives of the three Baudelaires. While shopping for puttanesca, they had met Sherlock Holmes, a consulting detective with extraordinary skills of observation and deduction. He was a rather cold and dispassionate man, who showed very little emotion and had shown hardly any sympathy to the children. However, he had helped the children to uncover Olaf's evil plot and he had promised he would be there when the children needed him. However, the children's hopes weren't really high for him, due to his frosty behaviour.

* * *

Chapter Four:

While the Baudelaires were waiting for Uncle Monty, the doorbell rang.

"It must be Uncle Monty!" Klaus said excitedly.

"He won't ring the doorbell" Violet said, "he lives here!"

"Sherlock?" Sunny wondered, referring to the consulting detective who had warned the three orphans about Olaf and his being a criminal. The Baudelaires heard footsteps. Stephano was going to answer the door. They moved to the door of the Reptile Room to listen in.

"Hello there!" Stephano said in his scratchy voice to the man at the door "I am Stephano, Doctor Montgomery's new assistant."

"Good morning, Stephano" said a man's voice. It wasn't Sherlock Holmes; it was deeper but the tone was casual and kind, "I'm an old friend of Doctor Montgomery Montgomery. I am Professor Eric Jones and I'm here to see Doctor Montgomery's collection of reptiles."

"Sure, come on in" Stephano said "Shall I show to the Reptile Room?"

"No, thank you, Stephano" said the man "I know where it is."

"Well then, I'll return to my room and continue unpacking" Said Stephano said "I've only just arrived, you know."

"Sure, you do that" said the man. Stephano returned to his room. As soon as he was gone, the Baudelaires hurried up to greet the man. He was a kind-looking man with a moustache and glasses. He had short brown hair and icy-blue eyes. He wore smart clothes and a bowler hat.

"Ah! You must be the Baudelaires!" he said, holding out his hand "Sherlock's told me all about you."

"You know Sherlock Holmes?" Violet asked in astonishment.

"Yes, I do!" said the man "What I said to _Stephano_" – he put an emphasis on the name – "isn't true. I am not Professor Eric Jones. My name is Doctor Jonathan Herbert Watson, Sherlock Holmes' best friend, assistant and chronicler. I spoke to you on the phone when you wanted to speak with Sherlock, remember?"

"Oh, yes! So you're the one who's been telling Sherlock's adventures to the public, Doctor Watson!" Klaus said, shaking the doctor's hand.

"Yes I am!" said the doctor "And please, just John."

"Why are you here?" Klaus asked "Where's Sherlock?"

"Sherlock's doing work elsewhere" said John "I'm here for the moment to help with the case of Count Olaf."

"Orcgu!" Sunny cried.

"She means 'You know that Stephano is Count Olaf in disguise?'" said Violet, feeling relieved.

"Sherlock told me about how you speak, Sunny!" said John, tickling her chin. Sunny found it very smoothing. "Anyway, yes. I do know Stephano is really Count Olaf in disguise. Now we need to figure a way to convince Monty his new assistant is a terrible criminal."

"Monty? Are you really an old friend of Uncle Monty's?" Klaus asked.

"Oh yes!" said John "I studied poisons and venoms with him when I was in medical training. He was a great help."

"Do you have any idea what Olaf is planning?" Violet asked John.

"No, I'm afraid not" John said "I'm still having trouble mastering Sherlock's deductive skills. It's all rather complex. But keep an eye out for any indications."

"Oh, we will, John! We will!" said Violet.

"Good!" said John "Now, even Monty doesn't who I am. And Olaf and I haven't seen each other for so long that he's almost forgotten what I look like or even who I am! He focuses too much on Sherlock and you three. Anyway, while we'll in company together, you must call me 'Professor Eric Jones'; and also, please don't try to get private conversations with me; I don't want Olaf to get suspicious."

"Okay!" said Sunny.

"Good!" said John "Now, I can't tell Monty who I really am. You mustn't tell him who I am either. Olaf could be on the lookout."

"Okay, John!" said Violet.

"Good!" said John "Now, I'm going to unpack."

"Can we help you?" asked Klaus.

"No thank you!" said John "I can manage. Thanks for offering though." And he headed outside again.

"So he's Sherlock's assistant" said Violet, "What a nice man!"

* * *

(A/N: when Uncle Monty returns)

"Hello, Doctor Montgomery," said John, appearing from the house, holding out his hand, "I'm Professor Eric Jones, from the Herpetological Society."

"Nice to see you," said Uncle Monty, shaking his hand, "At least you don't tease me about my name like the others do."

"That would be rude," said John, "and impolite. I look foward to you showing the Incredibly Deadly Viper to us."

"As am I," said Uncle Monty, "It'll be a pleasure having you around."

* * *

Chapter Five

(A/N: At the dinner table)

The Baudelaires were tempted - a word which here means 'wanting very much' - to tell Uncle Monty about John Watson, who was constantly talking with Uncle Monty about how it was going at the Herpetological Society and how exciting it would be to scare them with the Incredibly Deadly Viper. However, when he wasn't talking, he was looking at the Baudelaires carefully. While he wasn't telepathic - a word which here means 'able to read minds' - he could still tell what the Baudelaires were thinking and while he would never threaten them, the look in his eye told them not to speak right now, not with Stephano around.

Later, as he got ready to leave, the Baudelaires decided to go and talk to him.

"Please, John,"said Violet, "Don't go! We need you here."

"I'm sorry, children," said John, "The Herpetological Society and Olaf will get suspicious if I stay here. I will be back as soon I can. I promise."

He hugged the three children and then he drove away in his car.

* * *

(A/N: skip ahead to beginning of chapter seven)

"Jo… I mean Professor Jones" Violet said, "Where is he?"

"Oh, he's right there" said Stephano, pointing. There on the floor, behind the chair in which Uncle Monty lay was John Watson. At first, the Baudelaires thought he was dead too, until they realised he was still breathing, which was a relief. At least he wasn't dead. There was a large purple lump on his head.

"When he saw what happened to the doctor," said Stephano, "he passed out in shock. I'm surprised he's still asleep."

"Oh, sure he passed out" said Violet sarcastically, a word which here means she didn't really believe that John had fainted.

"There's a lump on his head" said Klaus, "Did you knock him out when you killed Uncle Monty?"

"I did nothing of the sort" said Stephano firmly, "Anyway like I said, we have a boat to catch.

(A/N: skip ahead to chapter nine)

"First" said Violet, "let's see if John's alright."

"Baudelaires!"

John came staggering up to them, massaging his head where he'd been hit.

"John, you're alright!" said Klaus.

"Physically, yes I am" said John, "but mentally, no I'm not. I failed, children. Last night, I went to Monty and told who I really was and that Stephano was Olaf in disguise. Before we could call the police, however, he appeared. I tried to protect Monty, but Olaf knocked me out with a heavy book and then no doubt, he went for Monty. I don't know what exactly he did to him, but I do think it was a murder. I'm so sorry, children."

"It wasn't your fault, John," said Klaus, "it was Stephano's fault."

"We need proof" said Violet, "If only Sherlock were here. He's an expert in the arts of detective work."

"We can manage" said John, "Hopefully, if we get enough, we can put Olaf behind bars before he can harm anyone else; including us."

"Including us" Violet agreed, "Now, Klaus, John, find all of Uncle Monty's books that might contain on the information on the Mamba du Mal. Let me know when you two find something."

"Good idea, Violet" said John, "we'll make sure Monty didn't die in vain, because he was trying to protect you three."

"But Uncle Monty's library is huge" said Klaus, "the researching could take days."

"Well, we don't have days" said Violet firmly.

"You're right, Violet" said John, "We don't even have hours. Olaf will do anything to get on the _Prospero_ to take you to Peru. Don't worry, Klaus; I know this library and the books like the back of my hand."

"I'm going to Stephano's room to see if I can find clues," said Violet.

"Alone?" asked Klaus "In his room?"

"It'll be perfectly safe," Violet said, though she knew nothing of the sort. "Get cracking with those books, Klaus. John, see what you can do."

"Will do, Violet," said John.

"And Sunny, watch the door and bite anyone who comes in."

"Ackroid!" said Sunny, which meant something like "Roger!"


	3. The Reptile Room part 2

(A/N: forward to when Violet returns to the Reptile Room)

* * *

"Klaus, John," Violet cried, "Please tell me you've found something! There's nothing in Stephano's room and I think he's going to get us alone in his car."

"Oh, we've found something, alright, my dear Violet," said John, smiling, "Listen to this: 'The Mamba du Mal is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere, noted for its strangulatory grip used in conjunction with its deadly venom, giving its victims a tenebrous hue, which is ghastly to behold."'

"What are you talking about, John?" asked Violet, completely puzzled.

"I looked up the words: 'Strangulatory' means 'strangling'" said Klaus, "Conjunction' means 'together.'"

"'Tenebrous' means dark'" said John, "And 'hue' means 'colour.' So the Mamba du Mal is known for strangling its victims while biting them, leaving a dark bruising on the skin."

"Stop, stop, stop!" cried Violet, covering her ears, "I don't want to hear any more about what happened to Uncle Monty!"

"But don't you see, Violet?" said John, "That _isn't_ what happened to Monty."

"But Doctor Lucafont found the snake's venom in Monty's veins," Violet said.

"Maybe so," said Klaus, "but the snake didn't put it there. "If it had, Monty would be dark with bruises. Instead, he was as pale as can be."

"But then could he have been poisoned?" asked Violet.

"Monty has a collection of venoms and poisons here for studying," said John, examining the case of test tubes and syringes.

"I think Stephano took the venom and injected it to Uncle Monty after subduing him," said Klaus.

"So that's what he did," growled John, cracking his knuckles.

"How awful," said Violet, shuddering.

"Okipi!" Sunny shrieked, apparently in agreement.

"When we tell Mr Poe about this," said Klaus confidently, "Stephano will be arrested for Uncle Monty's murder and sent to jail. No longer will he try to whisk us away to Peru, or threaten us with knives or make us carry his suitcase, or anything like that."

"I think we'll need more evidence than that, Klaus," said John, "Arthur Poe won't be convinced just by what we read in a book."

"His suitcase!" said Violet suddenly, causing Klaus and John to jump in surprise.

"What about Stephano's suitcase?" asked John, but before Violet could answer, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," said Violet, signalling to Sunny not to bite Mr Poe as he came in.

"I hope you're feeling a bit calmer," said Mr Poe, gazing at the three children in turn, "and no longer entertaining the thought that Stephano is Count Olaf." When Mr Poe said 'entertaining', he meant 'thinking', rather than 'doing brilliant things for others' enjoyment'.

"Even if he isn't Olaf," said Klaus carefully, "We think he may be responsible for Uncle Monty's death."

"Nonsense!" exclaimed Mr Poe, as Violet and John shook their heads at Klaus, "Uncle Monty's death was a tragic accident; nothing more."

Klaus held the book he was reading. "But while you were in the kitchen, we've been reading up about snakes and..."

John held up a finger, giving Klaus a look that said "Not now, Klaus."

"Reading about snakes?" Mr Poe said, "I should think you'd want to read about anything but snakes after what happened to Uncle Monty."

"Good point, Klaus, " said John, pretending he was with Mr Poe, though he wasn't really.

"Who are you?" Mr Poe asked spotting John for the first time.

"Professor Eric Jones," said John, holding out his hand, using his pseudonym – a word which here means 'alternate name' – to introduce himself to Mr Poe, "I'm from the Herpetological Society and I'm an old friend of Doctor Montgomery. I… tried to save him but failed."

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Mr Poe, shaking John's hand, "I suppose the HS ought to know."

"I'll go and tell them the bad news," said John, "Excuse me!"

And winking at the Baudelaires, he left the room.

(A/N: he returns after Mr Poe leaves the Reptile Room)

"We must provide the adults with a distraction," said John, coming back into the room, "so as to keep them in here, while Violet tries to open the suitcase."

"What about you?" Violet asked.

"Sherlock's on his way and I need to meet up with him and explain everything," said John.

"But how do we distract them?" said Klaus.

"Come on, Klaus!" said John impatiently, "You've read thousands of books; surely you can think of something."

Klaus thought for a moment. "In order to win the Trojan War," he said, "Greeks soldiers hid in a wooden horse. That was sort of a distraction, but I can't build one."

"Then we must think of something else!" said John, stroking his moustache concernly.

Violet began to walk to towards the door, still out of the , Sunny and John looked first at her where she was looking. It is remarkable how different people have different thoughts when they look at the same thing. For when the two younger Baudelaires and my old friend John Watson looked at the pile of suitcases, they were all concerned about Stephano whisking them away to Peru. But from the look in Violet's eye, she was obviously thinking something else. Klaus and Sunny couldn't think what of course and neither could John, but Violet had reached a different conculsion as she looked her own brown suitcase or the beige one that held Klaus' things, or Sunny's small gray one or maybe the shiny silver padlock on Stephano's suitcase.

(A/N: the story continues as normal until when Violet manages to open Stephano's suitcase, at the end of Chapter Eleven)

"Ah, Violet!"

Violet jumped and looked up. Looking towards her was none other than Sherlock Holmes, accompanied by John Watson.

"Sherlock, you're here!" Violet cried.

"Nice to see you too, Violet!" said Sherlock, shaking her hand, "John's told me what has happened and I'm very sorry for what happened to Uncle Monty." Though he really didn't sound very upset, Violet could see he was slightly troubled; she could tell by the look in his eyes.

"I'm sorry too," said Violet, "Sorry we couldn't save him. But I think we can prove his death wasn't an accident."

"Indeed, my dear Violet," said Sherlock, "John's told me everything you've out so far. All you need is the evidence from that case. You and John have a look. I'll examine the Reptile Room." And he climbed into the Reptile Room through an open window.

The phrase 'needle in a haystack' means 'something that is hard to find'. The reason for this is because a needle is very small and one of many things you might find in a haystack, like hay of course, but also bugs, dirt, farming tools and maybe even an escapee from prison. These things would be easy to find if you were looking for anything in a haystack. As Violet and John searched the contents of Stephano's suitcase, it was definitely like trying to find anything, because they didn't know what to find exactly. However, they did find useful items of evidence: a glass vial with a sealed rubber cap; a syringe with a sharp needle; a small bunch of folded papers; a laminated plastic card and a small hand mirror.

Though they had mere moments, Violet and John separated these items from the rest and studied them carefully, concentrating hard, as if they were parts of a machine they were going to make. And in a way, they were.

"These items are essential to defeating Stephano's evil plan and bringing justice and peace into your lives once again, Violet," said John, his brow furrowed. Violet nodded, choosing not to speak, as that would break her concentration. Before long her face lit up the way it always did when all the pieces of something were fit together properly and the machine worked just the way it should.

"I think we've got it, John," she said quietly.


	4. The Reptile Room part 3

Sherlock Holmes and A Series of Unfortunate Events belong to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Lemony Snicket respectively.

(A/N: A Series of Unfortunate Events does _not_ take place exactly in Victorian times; it could be in the 1930s. I don't know for sure.)

* * *

Chapter 12 (when Violet enters the room):

"Yes we do," said a voice in the doorway and everyone turned to see Violet and John standing in the doorway, looking triumphant with evidence in their arms. They strode across the Reptile Room to the far end, where the books on the Mamba du Mal Klaus and John had been reading were still stacked. The others followed them and watched as they arranged the items in a line on the table: the glass vial with the sealed rubber cap, the syringe with the sharp needle, the small bunch of folded papers, the laminated card, the powder puff and small hand mirror.

"What's all this?" Mr Poe said, gesturing to the arrangement.

"Evidence, Arthur," John replied, "which we found in Stephano's suitcase."

"My suitcase," Stephano said, "is private property, which you aren't allowed to touch. It's very rude of you and besides, it was locked."

"It was an emergency," Violet said calmly, "so I picked the lock."

"How did you do that?" Mr Poe asked, "Nice girls shouldn't know how to do such things."

"My sister _is_ a nice girl," said Klaus, "and she knows how to do all sorts of things."

"Indeed!" said John.

"Roofik!" Sunny agreed.

"When Uncle Monty died," Violet began, "my siblings and I were very sad. But we were also very suspicious."

"We weren't suspicious," Klaus exclaimed, "If someone is suspicious, they're no sure. We were positive Stephano killed Uncle Monty."

"Nonsense!" Dr. Lucafont said, "As I explained to you all, Montgomery Montgomery's death was an accident. The Mamba du Mal escaped from its cage and bit him. That's all there is to it."

"I think not," said John, "I was with Doctor Montgomery last night and the Mamba du Mal didn't escape. Besides, I examined Monty's body myself and he showed no sign of struggle with a snake."

"Also, Klaus said about how the Mamba du Mal kills its victims," said Violet

Klaus took out the book he had been reading earlier. He had marked the page required, so he found the page at once. '"The Mamba du Mal'" he read out loud '"is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere, noted for its strangulatory grip, used in conjunction with its deadly venom, giving all of its victims a tenebrous hue, which is ghastly to behold."' He put the book down and turned to Mr Poe. "Strangulatory means –"

"We know what the words mean!" Stephano growled.

"Then you must know," John said, "that the Mamba du Mal didn't kill Uncle Monty. His body didn't have a tenebrous hue. It was as pale as can be."

"That's true," Mr Poe said, "but that doesn't necessarily prove Doctor Montgomery was murdered."

"Yes," Dr. Lucafont said, "Perhaps, just this once, the snake didn't feel like bruising its victim."

"Actually, Doctor Monty was killed by that glass vial Violet and John found in Stephano's case," said a voice. Sherlock Holmes had returned from examining the scene of Uncle Monty's murder. Stephano looked shocked at the sight of him but quickly hid his shock.

"Stephano – or rather Count Olaf," said Sherlock "wants to steal the Baudelaire fortune, which Violet will inherit when she turns eighteen years of age in four years. He disguised himself as Stephano, by shaving his head, attaching a fake beard and covering his tattoo with powder using that powder puff. Last night, he took that glass vial," – he pointed his cane at the glass vial – "containing the venom of the Mamba du Mal from Monty's collection of venom samples. You continue, Violet."

"With pleasure," said Violet, smiling at the detective before holding up the syringe. "Stephano – Olaf – took this syringe and, after knocking out John and subduing Uncle Monty, injected the venom into Uncle Monty, which killed him within seconds. Then he poked a second hole to make it look like a snakebite. He rifled through Monty's pockets and took his card."

"But I have no interest in money," said Stephano, "and I loved Doctor Montgomery as a friend, of course."

Sometimes, when someone tells a ridiculous lie, it is best to ignore entirely. "To steal the Baudelaires' fortune, Olaf had to take the three children to a location that was more difficult to trace, such as Peru," said Sherlock.

Violet held the small bunches of folded papers. "These are tickets for the _Prospero_," said she, "which leaves Hazy Harbour for Peru at five o'clock today. That's where Stephano was taking us when we ran into you, Mr Poe."

"But Monty tore up Stephano's ticket," said John, looking confused, "Klaus told me."

"True," said Sherlock, "but that's why Olaf had to get rid of Uncle Monty. After killing him–" A pained look shot across his face but it quickly disappeared, "–he took his laminated card." He held the card. "This is Monty's membership card for the Herpetological Society."

"So you think Stephano is Count Olaf too, Mr Holmes?" said Mr Poe.

"I know he is, Arthur," said Sherlock, unable to hide some exasperation that he had to explain what he, John, the Baudelaires and you and I knew from the moment Stephano arrived at the house, "After all, he has the same shine in his eyes, the same prominent nose and the same scratchy voice. But in order to confirm his true identity, we need to reveal his tattoo. The only way to cover the tattoo was to use powder."

"That's absurd!" said Stephano.

"Well, we'll soon see about that," Mr Poe replied, "Now, who has a cloth?"

"Not me," Klaus said.

"Not me," Violet said.

"Guweel," Sunny said.

"I threw mine away after using it," John said.

"There's enough filth on my handkerchief without Olaf giving it more," Sherlock said firmly.

"Well, if nobody has a cloth or doesn't want to use one, we might as well forget the whole thing," Dr. Lucafont said, but Mr Poe held up a finger to tell him to wait. To the relief of the Baudelaire orphans, he reached into his pocket and withdrew his handkerchief.

"Your left ankle, please," said he sternly to Stephano.

"But you've been coughing into that all day," said Stephano, "It has germs."

"Germs are the least of your worries, Olaf," said Sherlock, "After all, you're a criminal guilty of murder, forced marriage, arson and many other crimes. Your left ankle, if you please." Using his cane, he prodded Stephano's left ankle hard to emphasis his point.

Stephano – and this is the last time, thank goodness, we'll have to call him by his phoney name – gave a little growl, partly from the hard prod, and pulled his left trouser leg up to reveal his ankle. Mr Arthur Poe knelt down and rubbed it for a few moments. At first, nothing appeared to happen, but then, like a sun shining through clouds at the end of a terrible rainstorm, the faint outline of an eye began to appear. Clearer and clearer it grew until it was as dark as it had been when the orphans first saw it, back when they had lived with Count Olaf.

Violet, Klaus, Sunny, John and Sherlock all stared at the eye and the eye stared back. For the first time in their lives, the Baudelaires orphans were happy to see it.


	5. The Reptile Room part 4

Chapter Thirteen:

If this were a story written to entertain small children, you would know what would happen next. With the villain's identity and evil plans exposed, the police would arrive on the scene and place him in jail for the rest of the life, and the plucky youngsters would go out for pizza and live happily ever after. But this book is about the Baudelaire orphans and you and I know these three unfortunate children living happily ever after is about as likely as Uncle Monty resurrecting, a word which here means 'return to life'. But it seemed to the Baudelaire orphans, as the tattoo became evident, that at least a little bit of Uncle Monty had come back to them as they and their new friends Sherlock Holmes and John Watson proved Count Olaf's treachery once and for all.

"That's the eye, all right," Mr Poe said and stopped rubbing Count Olaf's ankle, "You are most definitely Count Olaf, and you are most definitely under arrest."

"And I am most definitely shocked," Dr Lucafont said, clapping his oddly solid hands to the hands.

"As am I," Mr Poe agreed, grabbing Count Olaf's arm in case he tried to run anywhere. "Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Mr Holmes, Dr Watson – please forgive me for not believing you earlier. It jus… *cough* *cough* seemed too far-fetched that he would have searched you out, disguised himself as a laboratory assistant, and concocted an elaborate plan to steal your fortune."

"I wonder what happened to Gustav, Uncle Monty's _real_ laboratory assistant," Klaus wondered out loud, "If Gustav hadn't quit, Uncle Monty never would have hired Count Olaf."

"I'm afraid Gustav didn't quit at all," said Sherlock, "You, Olaf," – he pointed his cane into Olaf's face – "did him in."

'Doing someone in' is a phrase which means 'kill them', which Olaf obviously did. Count Olaf had been quiet the whole time ever since the tattoo had appeared. His shiny eyes had darted this way and that, watching everyone carefully the way a lion will watch a herd of antelope, looking for the one that would be best to kill and eat. But at Sherlock's (correct) murder accusation, he spoke up.

"Yes, I did," he said in his wheezy voice, "One day, when he was out collecting wildflowers I drowned him in the Swarthy Swamp. Then I forged a note saying he quit. You're as meddling as you ever have, Holmes. You're Holmes the meddler! Holmes the busy-body! Holmes the Scotland yard jack-in-office!"

Sherlock laughed rather calmly. "Holmes the great and famous," he said, his own rather shiny eyes meeting Olaf's.

Count Olaf looked from Sherlock to the three Baudelaires as if he was going to run over and strangle them, but instead he stood absolutely still, which was somehow even scarier. "I drowned Gustav, but that's nothing compared to what I will do to you, orphans. You, Holmes and Watson have won this round of the game, but I will return for your fortune and for your precious skin."

"This is not a game, you horrible man," Mr Poe said, "Dominos is a game. Water polo is a game. Murder is a crime, and you will go to jail for it. I will drive you to the police station in town this very minute. Oh, drat, I can't. My car is wrecked. Well, I'll take you down in Dr Montgomery's jeep with Mr Holmes and Dr Watson and you children can follow along in Dr Lucafont's car. I guess you'll be able to see the inside of a doctor's automobile, after all."

"It might be easier," Dr. Lucafont said "to put Stephano in my car, and have the children, Holmes and Watson following behind. After all, Dr Montgomery's body is in my car, so there's no room for all three children, anyway."

"Well," Mr Poe said, "I'd hate to disappoint the children after they've had such a trying time. We can move Dr Montgomery's body to the jeep, and –"

"The Baudelaires couldn't care less about the inside of a doctor's automobile," John said, "They made that up so as not to be trapped with Olaf."

"That's right," said Violet.

"You shouldn't tell lies, orphans," Count Olaf said.

"You're not in a position to give morality lessons to children, Olaf" said Sherlock.

"Very well, Dr Lucafont, you take Olaf," said Mr Poe.

"Actually, he shouldn't take Olaf," said Sherlock.

"Why not?" said Dr Lucafont.

"Because _you're not a doctor_," said Sherlock sharply. He leant forward and whacked one of Dr Lucafont's oddly solid hands with his cane.

"Ow!" cried the 'doctor', giving a rather convincing cry of pain, "What did you do that for?"

"To reveal _your_ true identity, 'Dr Lucafont'" said Sherlock, "Or should I say –" the hand Sherlock had whacked made a crackling sound, like breaking wood or plastic rather than flesh and bone. Then it fell on the floor with a clunk and in its stead – a phrase which here means 'in its place' – Violet, Klaus, Sunny and John could see no blood or indication of a wood, but a shiny, metal hook "– the hook-handed man!" Sherlock finished.

"He's one of Count Olaf's henchmen!" Violet cried.

"And you're both under arrest," said Sherlock, drawing a gun. He and John grabbed a man each.

"Never!" shouted Olaf and in one swift movement, he kicked John in the groin, which is the space between a person's legs.

"OH!" John cried, doubling over in pain. Sherlock got distracted, which allowed the hook-handed man to strike him across the face with the other solid hand, causing Sherlock to collapse, clutching his face. Olaf and the hook-handed man turned and began to run. Violet instinctively grabbed the air where the two men had been standing, but of course they weren't there. She followed them to the front door and saw the two of them sprinting through the snake-shaped hedges.

"After them!" Sherlock shouted, who now had a bruise on his cheek. He and the Baudelaires started to run after the two men. But Mr Poe stepped in front of all four of them and blocked their way.

"No!" he cried.

"Oy, out of the way!" Sherlock said rather rudely.

"That's no way to speak to me," said Mr Poe indignantly.

"Olaf's getting away with his henchman," John groaned, still bent double in pain.

"I can't let three children run after two dangerous criminals," Mr Poe replied, "I'm responsible for the safety of the Baudelaires, and I will not have any harm come to them."

"Well, I'm not a child; I'm a man!" said Sherlock impatiently, pushing Mr Poe roughly aside and racing for the door.

"Hurry, Sherlock!" Klaus cried after him. But then, they heard the roar of a car engine starting up. The two ruffians – a word which here means 'horrible men' – had reached Dr. Lucafont's car and were already driving away.

"Come on, John, to the jeep!" Sherlock cried, "We'll chase after them."

"A grown man," Mr Poe said sternly, "does not get involved in a car chase. This is a job for the police. I'll go call them now and maybe they can set up roadblocks."

"That'll take too long," Sherlock said impatiently, already at the jeep. He climbed in and started the engine… or tried to. The jeep wouldn't start. The engine had tampered with.

"Oh, drat!" said Sherlock, getting out and kicking the jeep in frustration and hopping around in anger, "Stupid jeep! We'll never catch them! He's escaped me again!"

The Baudelaires felt a rush of sympathy for Sherlock Holmes. Despite his cleverness, Olaf had escaped again. It must be humiliating – a word which here means 'quite embarrassing to Sherlock'. He might seem indifferent to their misery, but he and John had helped against Olaf and his henchmen. They also knew that by the time Mr Poe was through explaining the situation to the police, Count Olaf and the hook-handed man were sure to be long gone.

Suddenly exhausted, Violet, Klaus and Sunny walked to Uncle Monty's enormous staircase and sat down on the bottom step, listening to the faint sounds of Mr Poe talking on the phone and Sherlock cursing Olaf's escape. They knew that trying to find Count Olaf and the hook-handed man, particularly when it grew dark, would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. John emerged from the Reptile Room.

"I'm sorry about Sherlock," said he, "He's been trying to catch Olaf for years and now he's failed again."

"Why is he so dispassionate and cold?" Violet asked.

"He says emotions would interfere with his judgement," John replied, "He hardly sympathizes with his clients. I think there's more reason than what he says about emotions."

"Any ideas what it is?" Klaus asked. John shook his head.

"I need to speak to Sherlock," he said, "I'm sorry that Olaf got away and I'm sorry about Uncle Monty."

The Baudelaires watched John watch outside. At least he didn't conceal his emotions like his best friend did. He, at least, was actually sympathetic.

Despite their anxiety over Count Olaf's escape and their concern about Sherlock, the three orphans must have fallen asleep for a few hours, for the next thing they knew, it was night time and they were still on the bottom step. Somebody had placed a blanket over them. Just then, as they stretched…_Bang! Bang! Bang! _There were scared out of their wits by the sound of gunshot. They thought for a moment they were under attack; then the three children realised that Sherlock was firing unceremoniously – a word which here means 'without restraint or hesitation' – at the wall of the living room with his gun.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" Klaus cried.

"Bored," Sherlock replied simply.

"What?" John asked.

"Bored!" Sherlock repeated. He fired twice again.

_Bang!_ "Bored!" _Bang!_ "Bored!"

He gave the gun to John. "Can't believe Olaf escaped me again! And I almost had him this time!"

"So you take it out on the wall?" Klaus said, staring at the wall.

"The wall had it coming," Sherlock replied with a sigh, "Sorry if I scared you children."

"Could you please not damage Uncle Monty's house?" Violet pleaded with the detective, "This house is the best place we've lived at since our own home was destroyed."

Sherlock merely shrugged. "Sorry, but I had to vent my anger somehow. They're taking the reptiles away, by the way," he said, pointing. The children saw three men in overalls walking out of the Reptile Room, carrying some of the reptiles in their cages. Behind them walked a chubby man in a brightly coloured plaid suit that stopped when he saw the children.

"Hey, kids," the chubby man said in a loud booming voice, "I'm sorry if I woke you, but my team has to move quickly."

"Actually, Sherlock did most of the waking," said John, "He lacks the consideration."

"Hey!"

"Who are you?" Violet asked. It was confusing to fall asleep in the daytime and wake up at night.

"What are you doing with Uncle Monty's reptiles?" Klaus asked. It was also confused to realise you were sleeping on stairs, rather than in a bed or sleeping bag.

"Dixnik?" Sunny asked. It is always confusing why anyone would choose to wear a plaid suit.

"The name's Bruce," the man said, "I'm the director of marketing for the Herpetological Society. Your name John Watson called me to say Doctor Montgomery is died and that his reptiles were now to be retrieved. 'Retrieve' mean 'collect' by the way."

"We _know_ what 'retrieve' means," Klaus said, "but why are you taking them? Where are they going?"

"Well, you three are the orphans, right?" You'll be moving on to some other relative who won't die on you like Montgomery did. And these snakes need to be taken care of, so we're giving them to other scientists, zoos and retirement homes. Those we can't find homes for we'll have to put to sleep."

"But they're Uncle Monty's collection!" Klaus cried, "It took him years to find these reptiles! You can't just scatter them to the winds!"

"It's the way it has to be," Bruce said smoothly. He was still talking in a very loud voice, for no apparent reason.

"He's right, I'm afraid," John said, "They can't stay here now Monty is dead."

"Can't you take them?" Violet asked him.

"I'm not really a member of the Herpetological Society; that was part of my disguise," John said, shaking his head, "I'm sorry, children."

"Viper!" Sunny shouted, and began to crawl towards the Reptile Room.

"What my sister means," Violet explained, "is that she's very close friends with one of the snakes…"

"I'm afraid you can't take the Incredibly Deadly Viper, Violet," John said, before Violet could finish, shaking his head.

"Exactly," Bruce said, "Also, if you think I'm going to let small children near the Incredibly Deadly Viper, think again."

"It's not really deadly; it's harmless," said Violet.

"Exactly, its name a misnomer," John agreed.

Bruce scratched his head, "A what?"

"A very wrong name," explained Sherlock, who was examining Bruce's plait jacket. "By the way, that jacket is way out of fashion and it doesn't suit you really. You take good care of it, though, I see."  
"But this Doctor was supposed to be brilliant," Bruce said, ignoring Sherlock altogether and acting as if he was merely a part of the carpet. He reached into a pocket of his 'out-of-fashion' plaid jacket and pulled out a cigar. "Giving a snake a wrong name doesn't sound brilliant to me. It sounds idiotic. But then, what can you expect from a man whose own name was Montgomery Montgomery?"

"It's not nice to lampoon someone's name like that!" John said reprovingly, a word which here means 'severely about a fault'.

"I don't know what 'lampoon' means," Bruce said, "and I don't really care. If the baby here wants to wave bye-bye to the Incredibly Deadly Viper, she'd better do it soon. It's already outside in the truck."

Sunny began to carry her toward the front door, but Klaus wasn't through talking with Bruce, "Our Uncle Monty _was_ brilliant," he said firmly.

"Precisely," Sherlock agreed, "And these children will always remember him as such, won't you children?"

"Of course," Violet said.

"Brilliant!" Sunny shrieked, from the floor and her siblings and even Sherlock smiled at her, surprised she had uttered a word that everyone could understand.

Bruce lit his cigar and took a pull/blow on it, then shrugged. "It's nice you feel that way, kids," he said, "Good luck wherever they put you." He pulled out a shiny diamond watch and looked at it. He then turned and said to the men in overalls. "Let's get moving. In five minutes, we have to be back on that road that smells like ginger."

"It smells of _horseradish_," Sherlock corrected, but Bruce had already walked away, giving him as much notice as an unpleasant picture.

Sherlock sighed. "He doesn't like me much, Bruce. He and I have never got on well. He says I have no respect for privacy." He took out his pipe, stuck in his mouth, lit it himself and got a pull on it.

"I'm afraid that's true," John whispered to Violet and Klaus as they began to follow Sunny outside to wave good-bye to the reptiles. But as they reached the door, Mr Poe walked into the room and blocked them again.

"I see you're awake," he said, "Please go upstairs and go to sleep then. We have to get up very early in the morning."

"We just want to say goodbye to the snakes," Klaus said, but Mr Poe shook his head.

"You'll get in Bruce's way," he replied, "Plus, I would think you three would never want to see a snake again."

The Baudelaire orphans and John looked at each other and sighed. Everything in the world seemed wrong. It was wrong that Uncle Monty was dead. It was wrong that Count Olaf and the hook-handed man had escaped. It was wrong that Sherlock seemed dispassionate and cold, though the children didn't hold it against him. It was wrong for Bruce to think of Monty as a silly person, instead of a brilliant scientist. And it was wrong to assume that the children never wanted to see a snake again. The snakes and indeed everything in the Reptile Room were the last reminders the Baudelaires had of the few happy days they'd spent there – the few happy days they'd had since their parents had perished. Even though they understood they couldn't keep the reptiles with them, it was all wrong never to see them again, without even saying goodbye.

Ignoring Mr Poe's instructions, Violet, Klaus and Sunny rushed out of the front door where the men in overalls were loading the cages into a van with 'Herpetological Society' written on the back and sides. John stepped along them. The moon was full and its light reflected off the glass walls of the Reptile Room as though it were a large jewel with a bright, bright shine – brilliant, one might say. When Bruce had used the word 'brilliant' about Uncle Monty, he meant 'having a reputation for cleverness or intelligence'. But when the children used the word – and when they thought of it now, staring at the gleam of moonlight on the Reptile Room – it meant more than that. It meant that even in the bleak circumstances of their current situation, even throughout the series of unfortunate events that would happen to them for the rest of their lives, Uncle Monty and his kindness would shine in their memories. Uncle Monty was brilliant and their time with him was brilliant. His reptile collection might be dismantled by Bruce and his men, but nobody could ever dismantle the way the Baudelaires would think of him.

"Goodbye, goodbye!" the orphans called, as the Incredibly Deadly Viper was loaded into the truck. "Goodbye, goodbye," called John. Even though the Viper was Sunny's special friend, Violet and Klaus found themselves crying along their sister and when the Incredibly Deadly Viper looked up to see them, they saw that it was also crying, tiny shiny tears falling from its bright green eyes and trickling down its snout. The Viper was brilliant too and as the children looked at one another, they saw their own tears and the way they shone.

"You're brilliant," Violet murmured to Klaus, "for reading up on the Mamba du Mal."

"You're brilliant," Klaus murmured back, "for getting the evidence from Stephano's suitcase."

"Brilliant!" Sunny cried again and Violet and Klaus gave their baby sister a hug. Even she was brilliant, distracting the adults with the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

"You're all brilliant, Baudelaires," said John, smiling, "Your parents would be proud of you. Very!"

"You're brilliant too, John," Violet said, "helping us to prove Olaf's treachery."

"It was the least I could do, Violet," John said, putting an arm around the children, "I've done many brilliant things with Sherlock. I'm no stranger to being brilliant."

"Well, of course you are," said Sherlock, joining the children and his best friend at the front door.

"You, Sherlock, were perhaps the most brilliant of all," said Klaus, looking up at him, "for you and John coming to help us. You really are the greatest detective ever."

An actual warm smile spread across Sherlock's usually cold face and he chuckled. "It's what I do best, my dear Klaus," said he, ruffling Klaus' hair, "I'm glad I could help at all. You have the makings of great detectives; I'm sure of it."

"You think so?"

"I know so!"

The Baudelaires felt their respect for Sherlock Holmes raise. Despite his cold nature, they still counted him and John as friends – perhaps two of the most brilliant friends they could have.

"Goodbye, goodbye!" the brilliant Baudelaires, detective and doctor called and waved to Uncle Monty's reptiles. They stood together in the moonlight and kept waving, even when Bruce shut the doors of the van, even as the van set off past the snake-shaped hedges and down the driveway to Lousy Lane and even as it turned a corner and disappeared into the dark.

_In the Reptile Room  
__Where the baby screams  
__Weirder creatures loom  
__Than in all of your dreams_

_In the Reptile Room  
__Hither and thither  
__Creatures from cartoons  
__Slither any wither_

_In the Reptile Room  
__Anacondas dance  
__Will they be our doom?  
__Will we be their bonbons?_

_And you wonder, wonder, wonder why I frown?  
__Well, I'm smiling; I'm just smiling upside-down._

_In the Reptile Room,  
__There's an evil man  
__In a strange costume  
__Do not ride in this van._

_In the Reptile Room  
__Are pythons at play?  
__In the murky gloom  
__What a horrible day!_


	6. The Wide Window part 1

(Sorry this took so long, my friends. Had other things to do. Just enjoy!)

The Wide Window

_The world is a very scary place, my dear_

_It's hurled and it's twirled through outer space, I fear_

_So many ways to lose your skin in it_

_The number of ways to die is infinite_

_The world is a very scary thing, I find_

_It's curled all my toes and it's curling my mind_

_When I was young my study and candies_

_But they attract tarantulas and bees_

* * *

Chapter Two:

(A/N: when the Baudelaires are thinking about how unfair their lives have been since their parents died)

Not everything in the Baudelaires' lives since their parents' deaths had been unfair. Sherlock Holmes, the consulting detective with powers of observation and deduction, was defiantly not unfair. He might have been cold and dispassionate, but he and his best friend Doctor John Watson had each helped the children overcome Count Olaf's treacherous schemes. Sherlock Holmes himself had said the three children had the makings of great detectives because of their great skills. Since this incident, the three orphans had called him and John good friends, but they often wondered whether Sherlock had meant what he'd said because of his frosty behaviour.

* * *

Chapter Eight:

(When Klaus is explaining the case of Aunt Josephine's letter to Violet and Sunny)

Just then, the children heard the front door open and a voice called: "Hello? Anyone here?"

Klaus looked terrified. "Captain Sham's arrived," he whispered, "Err… no one's home."

"If there's no one home," said the voice, "then how come I can hear you, Klaus?"

"Wait, that's not Captain Sham's voice," said Violet, "That voice isn't scratchy and cruel; it's calm and cool. It's familiar. Err, we're in the library," she called.

The children heard footsteps and a moment later, the library door opened and the taxi driver who had taken the Baudelaires to the house the first time entered.

"Ah, Baudelaires," he said, "Good to see you again!"

Just then, there was a thump from the front room, followed by an 'ow!'

"John's fallen over that silly doorstep again, no doubt," the taxi driver said, with a sigh, "I hope he hasn't broken his neck." As he spoke, he took off his hat. His brown messy hair came off with it! It was a wig. Underneath was black, smooth and neatly cut hair. He also had a long nose and cold grey eyes.

"Sherlock Holmes!" Violet cried, running to hug the detective.

"Whoa, easy Violet," Sherlock said, startled as he gingerly patted her on the head.

"We didn't recognise you when you drove us here," said Klaus, amazed that they hadn't recognised the detective like they had always recognised Olaf.

"Ah, I'm a master of disguise," said Sherlock, gently prising Violet off him. Just then, another man entered the room, massaging – a word which here means 'rubbing' – his nose and chest where he'd hit the floor from tripping up on the doormat. It was Sherlock's best friend and associate, Doctor John Watson. He didn't look as though he had been in a disguise, like Sherlock had been.

"Stupid doorstep," he muttered, "Could have broken my neck."

"Aunt Josephine was always afraid that someone would trip and break their necks on the doormat, John," said Klaus.

"You could have helped me up, you know, Sherlock," said John to his best friend.

"Sorry," said Sherlock, shrugging, "At least, you didn't break anything. By the way, that letter you have, Klaus, may I see it please?"

"Sure." Klaus passed Sherlock the letter he had been examining and Sherlock and John both observed it.

"Ah, yes," said the detective, "I know this code; I taught it to Josie myself."

"You knew Aunt Josephine?" Violet asked. Sherlock nodded.

"Just like we knew Monty," said John, "This code is called the Sebald Code, named after Monty's deceased assistant, Gustav. He helped Sherlock invent it. It was a way of secretly communicating with each other when fighting crime. By the way, this house's applicants look unused. The oven looks like it hasn't cooked things for a long time."

"Aunt Josephine was afraid it would burst into flames," Klaus said, "She was also afraid that if doorknobs were touched, they'd shatter and the pieces would get in the eyes and that the sofa might fall and crush someone."

"Whoa!" said Sherlock in astonishment, "I think Josie's gone a little senile."

"She's been like that since her husband Ike drowned in the lake," Violet said.

"Well, when we find Josie, I'm going to have a word with her," Sherlock said, "She has to learn there's nothing to be scared of in this house."

"She's even afraid of realtors," said Violet, "and that's so irrational."

"Really!" said John, "Well, some realtors are actually nasty, but most aren't bad at all."

"Anyway," said Sherlock, "I see you formed the words 'Curdled Cave', Klaus, from Josie's grammatical mistakes. Well done, Klaus; once again, an excellent display of forensics."

"Forgen?" Sunny asked, which meant something like 'what are forensics?"

"Forensics," said Sherlock "is when science is used for investigations, like CSI, crime scene investigation. I'm an expert in forensic science; it's a great benefit to my cases. Anyways, Curled Cave is one of the many caves on this lake. It's near the Lavender Lighthouse."

"How do you know?" Klaus asked him.

Sherlock chuckled. "My dear children, I know this lake like the back of my hand," he said, using a phrase which here means 'I know the lake as easily as one would find the back of his hand'. "Let's head down to Damocles Dock right away and-"

Sherlock was interrupted by a great gust of wind, blowing through the shattered window, shaking the house like maracas, which are percussion instruments used in South American music. Everything rattled around the library as the wind flew through it. Chairs and footstools were flipped over, falling to the floor with their legs in the air. Books were shaken off their shelves, landing in puddles of water. The Baudelaires orphans and their two friends were shaken off their feet as lightning flashed across the sky.

"Come on, let's move!" Sherlock shouted over the literally thunderous roar and grabbing the Baudelaires and John by the hand, he pulled them towards the door. The wind was blowing so fiercely that it was like climbing a steep hill instead of walking through a library. But Sherlock pressed on until all five was standing in the hallway, shivering.

"Poor Aunt Josephine," Violet said, "Her library is ruined."

"And those grammar books were once very valuable," Sherlock said, "Especially when it came to the Sebald code."

"Why do you use the Sebald code?" Klaus asked him.

"Well, if we were sending messages and information about criminals," Sherlock said, "we had to hide messages or criminals would slip through our fingers because they know our every move. Anyway, the point is that Josie is still alive and hiding in Curdled Cave. We must head down there at once."

"Won't we need an atlas?" Violet asked.

"We won't need an atlas when you have me," Sherlock said, rather smugly, "No storm can affect my precision and sense of direction. Like I said, I know this lake like the back of my hand." The house shook again.

"Good grief!" John said, "We need to get out of here, fast!"

"Agreed," Sherlock said, "No doubt the supports holding this house are beginning to crack. Listen!"

They all listened and, sure enough, there was a cracking noise, as well as a creaking. Just then, the wind reached a feverish pitch, meaning that it began very high and strong, shaking the house like maracas. Sherlock managed to stay upright, while John and the Baudelaires were shaken to the floor.

"Let's get out of here!" Violet screamed, grabbing Sunny.

"Let's go!" Sherlock yelled in agreement. The five of them scurried down to the hallway, towards the front door. Part of the ceiling had been torn off and rainwater was pouring in, splattering the group as they ran through it. The house lurched again, causing them to stumble. It was starting to slip down the hill. "Hurry!" Sherlock cried and grabbing John and the children, he hauled them up the tilted hallway to the front door, slipping in puddles. The house lurched yet again and then there was a horrible crunching noise, as John reached the door first and yanked it again.

"Let's go!" he cried and the five of them made it through the door and onto the hill, the children huddling in the freezing rain. They were cold. They were frightened. But they had escaped, thanks again to Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. Just then, there was a crackling noise right behind them.

I have seen many amazing things in my long and troubled life. I've seen corridors built entirely out of human skulls. I've watched a volcano erupt during a hike with my old friend Sherlock, sending a wall of lava towards a small village. I've seen a woman I loved picked up by a giant eagle and flown to its high mountain nest. But only Sherlock Holmes can imagine what it was like to watch Aunt Josephine's house topple to its doom, a phrase meaning 'to its destruction'. My own research tells me that the children and my old two friends watched in mute amazement as the peeling front door slammed shut and crumpled like a piece of paper. I've informed that the children hugged each other very tightly at the rough, ear-splitting noise of their home breaking loose from the edge of the cliff while Sherlock and John merely starred. But I can't tell you how it felt to watch the whole building fall down, down, down and hit the dark and stormy waters of the lake below with a boom.

* * *

That's the first part of 'The Wide Window', my friends. Will continue as soon as I can. Until then, God Bless


End file.
